Thursday, March 09, 2006
Am i suffering from depression? sigh. How I wish I am freed from all the awful thoughts. I am so worried over my Common tests, especially when I am on probation. Have I lost my ability of studying? MAybe I have become a useless person. I used to be able to cope relatively well but now, my work load seems to be filled to the brim. I find problems even breathing properly and I no longer find life interesting. What I feel is, my life has plummeted into a dark valley where I can only experience the darkness... Where is my sunlight, i am really searching for it. All the while, I feel as though i am groping my way through the darkness to find a way out, so that my life will be filled with bountiful of sunshine again. JC life is definitely not easy to endure. It may be fun-filled but at the same time, for ppl like me, it is really difficult to cope with even 4 subjects. I really miss my sec sch days. It was so carefree then, with not much stress overwhelming me. I know that I should be positive towards life but it's really hard for me to do so now. My body has faltered to such an extent that i really feel v. restless everyday. I feel that whatever energy i had has disappeared. I feel that I am avoiding the world. For now, I am just like a naked mole who hides away from the world, living in a world of darkness. yes, i do feel v. naked, as I think im void of feelings now. Where is my identity? Where is my soul? I really want to know the root of my problem. I suddenly feel that my future is bleak with no success. Yar, I alweez ask myself. What achievements have i attained? The answer is none. I try my best to be cheerful and smiley but i guess its now nth but a facade. Its a false front to hide my tears deep beneath me. I feel v. sad for myself. I told myself at the beginning of jC, that i will become a great person. But look at me now... what a joke.
I just hope to become a useful person who has the brain to at least do things right. But i seem to be alweez screwing up things. Teachers show me dissatisfaction, even when I have tried my best in everything i do. I really hope for a better life.
I feel so super guilty for always feeling sick too. I have been having backaches, headaches, migraine etc. The moment I start running, i feel the pain in my left foot and right knee. I really don't know what is going on. Is it normal? Sometimes i really wonder how come some people can do it. At least ppl whom I know are all at least good in some area. But me? I am just an empty nutshell.
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