Friday, September 02, 2005
I knew something bad is going to happen after I cried in the LT today. I teared as I really feel for mr KoH. the soNg he composed.. reflected on how muCh he loved his mOM.. and of coz, shOwing us the agony boTh him and his mom went thru. He had to suffer stinging pain everytime he sweat.. and he had to endure the pain his heart was suffering when he saw his mom go away from him...
When I was watching tV in the evening, the sad news came. I was shoCked that my grandma passed away in her sleep. At that moment of time, I did not know how to feel. I did not feel really sad at first.. but instead I felt it was a relief for her.. She has finally found a way out to avoid suffering further. Besides, she has long lost all her senses. She could not feel anymore.. she could not talk anymore.. she could not see clearly anymore.. and she could no longer gulp anything down her throat. of coz... her hearing worsened too. It was kinda frustrating for my grandpa coz he alweez had to repeat himself so many many times.. each time getting louder and louder.. so as to make sure she gets what he was trying to say. everytime i visit her.. she seemed indifferent to what's going on surrounding her. But deep under, I know her body is stiffening in apprehension. It has been such a tough fight for her..Everytime i talked to her, her face contorted grotesquely. I knew she could no longer exercise her body muscles and nerves.. so she would either nod or shake her head. even so.. she did not have much energy to do so.
The moment I rushed back to my grandpa house.. I walked straight into her room..Tears just welled up in my eyes and tears started to wet my cheeks. Soon, my bottom lip curled and I cried even harder... I juz could not purge my tears. I felt that I could not catch my breathe and I even had to gasp for air. I was totally smashed. It was as though my heart was being trampled on so many many times.. the more i lOOked at her.. the mORe i could not controL myself. It seemed tat my body was wracked with convulsions of grief... Fond memories started to flood my mind. She was the one who brought me up ever since i was a baby. Only when I was 12 yrs old den I started to live with my parents. I remembered her as a grandma who really treated me like Im a treasure . I was the most adored by my grandparents amongst the others. I really lOve the photos i toOk with them when i was a kid. They really bring back a flow of wonderful memories.
I looked at my grandpa. At first I din dare to lOok straight into his eyes.. I was afraid to see his swollen eyes. But in the end..i did. He cried too and you could see pearls of tears rolling down his cheek. he is trying his best to hide the dejected feeling and trying to put up a strong front.. but everyone knows that deep down, his heart is wincing with pain. The more i stayed in the room, the harder i cried.. the harder it was to control my emotions. I stared at my grandma with a blanket over her for a long time. I just could not take myself to believe that she is oredi announced dead. Her death was so sudden... and yet so natural. All of us were guessing that she held on thus far as she wanted to wait until their 44th anniversary is over.. and all along she could not bear to leave as she really depended a lot on my grandpa. finally.. she let go.
I lOOked at her face for the last time.. I just could not stop crying. It seemed as though my tear glands lost their control too. I carassed her hair for the last time.. and wished her peace in the other world.
______________________________________________
1 Comments:
='( cried reading your entry.
lost for words as usual..
*big, long hug*
