_____im no longer behind u...*

Sunday, February 27, 2005

tmr.. is the day...THE day.. aRGhs.. Im getting so jittery now.. hahaZ.. jittery joan! the feeling of being kept in suspense is so bitter. Numerous thOughts just keep pouring into my perplexed mind.. I know i shouldn't waste so much brain juices thinking bout the outcoming results.. but it definitely din help muCh. =/

If i get more than 10 points for l1r5, i will be damn sad and disappointed with myself. I really hope that i can get 1o and below.. haiZ.. Last yr, I have oredi disappointed myself for so many times.. I wish that this time... which has been the last chance for me.. i will make it through.. =// o well.. what if i don make it through?? Guess I will cry it out first.. dEn i will work even harder for A levels.. sighz.. I have ten subjects in all.. I do hope i can get at least 6 distinctions.. as in.. both A1s and A2s la.. haiZ.. can i make it?? Im praying real hard now.. I hope i will smile happily when i walk out of nh tmr.. i don wanne cry anymOre.. it will feel so painful again..

hm.. hope everyone will do well yea? good luck!!!hm.. act.. if u tink bout it.. O levels.. act is not a veyr big deal la.. A levels.. more important!!!
coz it determines whether u can get into a uNi or not!!so.. hm..everyone tinks tat i can make it to a ten and below.. but... Im not so confident bout it.. i mean.. everyone believes in me so much.. til i feeel so disappointed whenever I cant make it.. haiZ.. Hope i wont disappoint anyOne.. and of coz.. myseLf.. haIZ... coz i guess i screwed up some papers?? haiZ.. i really don wanne think bout it.. but.. its useless la.. Im so freaking stressed now.. til the verge of bursting into tears.. Im really really scared... so everyone.. don have such high hopes on me k?? coz i may not be able to make it...=( good luck everyone!! god bless u!

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

3:16 PM

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

haiZ.. now in sCh.. just ate lunch having free period noW. sIGhz... Im still kinda sad. The biggest problem with me is... I find it hard to move on with life.. It is another big big change in my life.. and i guess it is gonna be hard to adapt this time.

I used to put my hP jsut beside me whenever Im doing my work.. coz i knOw i can expect some sweet msgs from somEone. buT now.. its no longer the case.. Even thouGh we are noW beST frenZ.. I just feel tat we are not as cloSe as the past.. hm.. seemed to have drifted more and more far apart........

sad man.. I cried b4 I slept again ytd niTe... but it was just a shoRt cry.. coz i was kinda tired oreDi... I din waNt to waste so much energy on crying.. if noT.. i may jsut die of fatigue..

hmmM. at times.. i thot to myself... wad will happen if we have held on tightly and never gave up.. crystal told me tat i should noT give up.. and i know i should heed her advice toO.. coz perhaps things can still be mended... issit possible?? I have not idea.. I wish that i will have some solutions.. if nOT... i'd rather I drink wAng4 qing2 shui3... it could have been better..

THe pain just cant get losT. insTEad, it seems to be going to be a prolonged one.. When will the pain end... i really want to know. iTs getting me sick and tired of liFE. I know i should not feel this wAY at all... but sorry... I m feeling this way..

It jsut takes one wrong step and everything will be gone with the wind. yuPs.. perhaps it is a relief for boTh of us.. buT somehow... i stil cant really enjoy the relief part.. haixxxxxxx.

din mean to make u peepX to be worried with me .. coz there is really no such a need.. I brought this to myself. It s call zi4 zuo4 zi4 shou4. haIZx. It definitely feels horrible and just simply horrible to be in a state like this... i thOT he will be there for me forever... buT.. things are not the same anymoRE.. siGH.. maybe...i shud really let things go when there is no other choices...

I feel so screwed up... Im clinging on to a thin ray of hoPe now.. and im scared that it wil give way soon... hmm. i hOpe i will find myself back.. Whenever Im in my own room.. i will suddenly feel very empty and lonely and saD. hmMm. somEtimes i wish i can slp forever... coz im so exhausted... and slping really can make all pain disappear..

hMM.. okie.. shal stop here. hey peePS.. who is free on thUrs? hm.. I feel like watCHing Constantine in Thurs evening.. hahaX. so many ppl have watChed... arghs... so sad... =(

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

2:00 PM

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

hm... getting tired of stuDying maths... arghs.. so here am i.. typing calmly away..

hMm... Im glad tat i din cry as much as ytd... I cried for the whole day ytd. Whatever I did, i cried. Even when I ate, I started to tear. I also did not have much appetite. Was thinking about stuffs. The more I think, more sad I became. I looked through the letters and stuffs.. I cried even worse. My tears were so big and fat. In a few seconds, my cheeks went wet. After drying my cheeks with tissue papers, I managed to calm down a bit.. but after tat, i started to cry again. it might sound a bit funny.. but definitely.. its not.. its pure sadness...

I really din expect things to turn out like this.. but since it has happened, I shall take it as it is. I tried to study many times. I sat down at my table. I did a question. After tat, I looked up and stared at the sky. Unknowingly, tears poured out. I stared blankly for a very long time. I saw the cotton-like clouds. I saw an eagle soaring high. I saw the baby blue sky. The trees swayed and danced with the wind. Everything was beautiful but I just felt empty. Suddenly, everything changed. The sky became overcast. THe clouds turned black and grey. The eagle flew away. The trees seemed to be swaying even harder.. so violently. I felt so lonely all of a sudden. I felt so scared. Suddenly my world became pitch darkness. I don know how to describe the feeling inside me. I din smile for the whole day ytd. When the dark sky took over, I looked at the sky. I saw a bright star. It was sparkling so brightly up there.. I started to ask why. wHy...? why.... why!!! i was in an agony. I know I should'nt cry at all.. but my tears gave way anyway. i felt my heart being removed by an invisible force. Different emotions left me.. but only the sadness lingered arnd.

hm.. Well.. tat was ytd..tat was how terrible i felt. Today, Im feeling better. Things are gonna be different now.. But guess.. i hafta move on no matter wad. No doubt, the good memories we had will alweez be remembered by me. I wud be happy to tink of them but at the same time, im also overcome by sorrow. THe past was great... when he belongs to me. but now.. he doesen belong to me anymore.. hm.. really painful... but i guess im feeling much more better den ytd.. thanX for everything u had done for me.. BEst frenz we will be. =) I will remember tat I was loved and I loved b4. thnZ lotx.

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

8:09 PM

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19 Comments:

To whoever is reading this entry, Im really feeling better den ytd.. just tat im stil sad. cant help it. sorry. =/huGs to whoever is reading this entry!!

-Joan-

By Joan, at 8:39 PM

Sometimes things happen that don't seem fair, and that are hard to understand. I know how sad you must be feeling right now. If you're feeling scared or lonely, just remember that I'll be there for you. Cheer up girl, mummy loves u.

By Anonymous, at 11:14 AM

gal, although i don't really know what had happened, but i really think you must cheer up. Smile kz,coz a smile brightens everyone's day. And I love to see that joyful Joan again.
Love you always,
wEnyAn

By Anonymous, at 8:20 PM

hey ger... u r nt alone wor.. rmb this.. we'l b wiv u de.... smile alwaes!! i wan tt bubbly little joan bac :)

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Saturday, February 19, 2005

Everything's over.. really over.. the lOVe that lasted for 11 months.. is gone for ever and ever..

I have lost him. I cant imagine how my days will be like without him.. but nevertheless.. I will try to stay strong.. Things are not going to be the same anymore. THe feeling is horrible. SO bitter. I hope I can stand up again. There is no more a thing call second chance but I wont harp on it anyway. Things turned out like this but nobody can help it. Sometimes, I feel so helpless. I help others but I cant help myself. So ironic.

At the beginning of the 11 months, it was all so sweet and purely sugary. I felt so loved. I felt that I was flying. Now.. I feel that I just dropped into a deep hole that is filled with muddy water. I feel suffocating. My wings got wet and torn. I am not able to fly anymore. My heart is too heavy to allow me to take flight anymore. Tears cascaded out of my turgid eyes. They fell like nobody's business. Nobody is there to hold my tears anymore. I feel so devastated. I am searching for my source of light in my world of darkness with my pain and sorrow. Its tough.. needless to say. But I will make it I hope. I hope I will recover from it very soon but its not going to be easy. It has been great to have tasted love. But now, its all so bitter...

I will carry the fond memories we had with me til I die. I don know whether I should or not because the moment I think about them, I will feel abject again. All those beautiful days... i will rem in my heart. days at kuantan.. days at ECP... days when we were walking home from sch together.. days when we toked to each other over the phone.. days when we really were in love... Ill alweez rem them ... never forget...

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

10:40 AM

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5 Comments:

tears arent meant to be hold..
they are meant to be wiped away and replace with a smile!

By Anonymous, at 11:54 AM

All i have to say is have some faith. Love doesn't come easy. And if he is the one for u, then things will happen, If it's meant to be, it will be. There's this other guy out there who is not going to judge you on your appearance, but instead he will be looking for your heart. Cheer up! Life has a lot coming for you. This is just a little bump in the road.

By Anonymous, at 5:40 PM

HuggieX!!! dun sad le, try to move on k... =)

By Anonymous, at 5:54 PM

no matter wad happenz.. rest assured u still have lotz n lotz of frenz who care n worry for u .. so pls tc of urself.. n .. get on wif life.. it may be tough.. but i know u r strong n u can def do it.. joan is not a piglet animore.. she has grown up.. she is a .. sow.. .hmmz.. ok.. not farni.. juz tryin to cheer u up.. so ..feel free to call me to tok etc etc.. frenz foreva.. :)

hamham

By Anonymous, at 10:01 PM

sweetie. we must be strong.

By Anonymous, at 10:00 AM

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Friday, February 18, 2005

It has been a really long time ever since I decided to type a sentimental entry. So, i shall type it today.

Guess nobody's going to 'patronize' my blog without me telling them that I updated my blog but its just going to be for you to read if you are willing to read.

Time really flies. I am so strickened with guilt now, coz I made someone whom I love deeply very sad. I am really sorry for that, coz I felt that i have no other choice. It hurt me so much too. I want to stop myself from crying every night before I sleep but it seems to be the hardest thing to do. whY? Why have all these happened?? Why was I so impulsive and so insensitive? Why was I so blatant? WHY..??

nobody can understand how I am feeling now. I am almost near to devastation. tHis is a poem dedicated to that someone whom I hurt.

~ I miss you like how i miss seeing the stars every night~
~ Sometimes the stars are there but I ponder... where are you?~
~ Things are no longer the same anymore~
~ Both of us changed~
~ I wish we can return to the past~
~ When life was so great and tasty~
~ I wonder.. ~
~ I ponder..~
~ I reflect..~
~ What has happened..?~
~ I yearn to be loved more~
~ Thats what my heart wants~
~ Crude words werent meant to make you sad~
~ They were to let you know how i feel~
~ Im sorry..~
~ truly sorry..~
~ but i never regret knowing you~
~ and to love you...~
~ i really hope we can start afresh..~
~ and expunge all sorrows and obstacles....~

I want to be happy inside-out again! I want to feel revived! I want to feel the wave of happiness again.. perhaps its too much to be asked... Im just so sorry now... sorry...

Hope i can turn back time.... =(

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

7:57 PM

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4 Comments:

cheer up k?
dont tink too much..
:)

By Anonymous, at 12:59 AM

i always read your blog. i just don't tag. *hugs* don't worry, it'll all work out in the end.

By zx, at 8:48 AM

=X

joan, i know it's not gonna be easy for you to forget him. but don't think so much ok. i mean, you're so busy now, you'll soon be able to forget the pain and move on. you said you hurt him, but who's hurting more? he never thought of how you could have felt; he has already moved on.

you need to move on also my dear. pls do. pls go training. you'll feel happier. *hugs*

i don't know if i'm making you feel worst or better, but in any case, pls remember that i'm at least here to listen to you, or my shoulder is for you to cry on, ok? it's time we meet up. we can mug together. (: cheers! smile okay. i miss the fun-loving joan.

By feL, at 5:40 PM

joan!!!

see! i'm reading ur blog too!! u didn't read mine also wat..so it's like.. DUN THINK SO MUCH :D

hey. wat i really want to say is.
take care. work hard and concentrate on your studies. put ur mind somewhere else.ya.

dun be sad ;)

lastly..happy chinese new year!! stay as the cheerful joan i knew ya?
tc lots! ~yu lin

By scalamonz, at 11:00 PM

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Saturday, February 12, 2005

haIZ. why am i feeling so sad? i feel tat my life is coming to an end. feel so lonely and empty. I wanT to live!!! haiZ.. WHY WHY WHY. My liFe is so scREwed. Am i hAppy? am i satisfied..? someTimes i am.. but sometimes i m not.. JOAN KOH. wAKe Up! Why ARe you like thIS????? sTop crYing for goodness sake. Its not for good for heAlth.

The world is beautiful. but beneath the beautiful layer, there are so much sorrows. Its so overwhelming. I wish i can expunge all sorrows. I want to be as turgid as i can. I want to stay strong.. but where is my strength... STRENGTH.. WHERE ARE YOU? I need you...

sorry foLks. not feelIng okIe. trying to cheer myself up.

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

3:25 PM

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1 Comments:

nono joan.. you don't need him. you need your friends. your family. tell yourself that!!! don't sink into depression, please.. he's not worth it. no matter how in love you are with him. if he's worth it, you won't be feeling this way anymore.

By feL, at 5:41 PM

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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Happy chINese nEw yr eveeeeeryyone! hahaZ. hMmm. yTd had reunion dinner at York Hotel.. hMm.. The food.. hMm.. not vEry nice. hahaZ.. It was supposed to be a buffet thingy.. den all i know is.. i ate a lot of mushrooms.. =/.. ate til i am so scared. hahaZ. and somemore.. it is so ex. ahhaZ. nVm.. I 'd rather eat at home.. more cosy and better. tastes better too!! hahaZ.

hM.. ytd went back to NH. hmm. miss the teachers there. hahaz.. chatted with Mr Teoh.. Mrs lIm... mrs oNG... mr chee... mr chan... saw mDm waNg.. but din get to tok to her.. ahhaz.. she was very bUsy. she so cute.. the moment she saw us, she high fived with us. ahhaa!! so ke ai! i complained to all the teachers.. ahahz. dat JC life is really tOugh to get by. haIZ.. and of all things.. they reminded us that the next time we see them will be when we take results!!! arghs!! haha. shaNT thInk bout O levels! hee.. hOpe everyone does well!!! hee..

so many ppl changed so much.. haha... i stil look the same! hee.. the fat old jOan! haha!! arGHs.. but some ppl said tat i look broader!! oMg!! hahaZ.. they said my shoulders look broader?!!.... hmm.. muSt be i swim too much.. hahah.. but cnanot be wad.. hm.. dunnoe la! hahahz..

happy new yr everyoNe!! all the best!!! be happy alweeZ!! hahaZ..

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

10:07 AM

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Saturday, February 05, 2005

HEEEE.. loNg lOng time havent been bloGging!miss reading my entriEs??? wahahhaZ. I really wonder how'S everyone doIng and coPing with JC lIFe. I miss 4o3o4 mOns.. plUs mama mOn.

weLL, AC has been quitE a great jC. at least a lot better den I thOt of last time. hahaZ. hmMm. I have been really buSy in sch and of coz, there are piles and piLes of woRk that are mounting up to a small little hill for me to do.. arGHs. cant afford to slack sia. hahaZ. Time is precious man. Really hope i have moRe thaN 24 hRs per day. =/

hahaZ.. and I guess i kinda like some of our teachers. haaZ.. I like my bIo teacher--mIss Wang and mathS teacher---Miss Kaur. Well, wad can i say boUt my form teacher who is akiN to my chem teacher.. she kiNda 'roCks'. hahha! get wad i meAn? She is a discipline mistress and she is like.. drawing a very clear line between a teacher and a student. manZ. i dun like this kinda teacher. No jOkes man. and the worse thing is.. ppl say she seems to likE me a lOT.. !!!! hahaZ. okie. no wonder i am the viCe class rep... =.=

hmM. eveyrthing has gone pretty well and smooth sailing for me la. jsut tat i am sometimes over-exhausted. hahaZ. Feel so flaccid at times but when I am at sch, I am alweez so ebullient... thanZ to the bUNch of jOkers in my class. My class is simpLy great!! hahaZ>. except for soMe outcasts... =X who simply isolate themselves..

hMm.. I shall continue blogging next time.. now going to grandma's hOuse. hehz. hmm. happy chinese new yR everyoNe! hee. hmmm. VdAy is CoMing.. i wonder how it will be like foR me. hahahaZ. i wUd love to receive a caRd....=P

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

4:08 PM

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work hard... dun slack.. make it to nj.
love~gmseXy~

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