_____im no longer behind u...*

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Guess Zx is right.. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Thankz! I will woRk hard to reach out for that silver lining, even though I am mingling my way through an ominous dark cloud.

yah.. many a times, people do lose their directions in life. I have lost my way many times too. Sometimes, even though i know i am Joan, i don't know who i really am. Guess i am a sniffing little piglet who is really sensitive to things that happen around me. I wish i coud not feel, coz many things in life make me feel disheartening and down. Sadness always awashes me whenever I go back to my grandma's house. Sorry peePz. Know i have been regurgitating about my grandparents but i just can't stop myself from thinking of them. Maybe you can say that i am a crybaby, or it is just tat i have a well of tears that cant wait to gush out of my eyes but every little thing in life that is pictured in my mind will make me go into deep thoughts. These deep thoughts would then penetrate thru my mind and soul, giving a slight push to my tear glands and there it goes, i cry. Ytd, upon seeing my grandma, I hope i lose my sense of sight. I don't want to see her in agony and pain. Her frail look makes me feel so guilty, so painful, so sad. When we were eating dinner, she sat beside me, as usual in her wheelchair. I took a surreptitous glance at her. I swore the wells in my eyes almost collapsed. She has lost SO much hair! Her skin turned even blacker and her eyes were so sunken.

My grandpa has committed himself wholeheartedly to my grandma. Guess it is really uncommon nowadays. Which man would remain so faithful and loving to his spouse? I read the newspaper ytd. There was an article on marriage stuff. It says that many women have lost faith in marriage as many of them were abused by their spouses. They were beaten up by their husbands, who were once so caring and loving. It makes me think whether that will happen to me one day... coz things change. [i am really crossing my finger man...] Now... there is the so called 'egg crisis'. My grandma needs to eat at least four eggs per day and now my grandpa is searching frantically for eggs. He calls my mom and my uncles and aunties, asking them to help him buy eggs. He has been waking up very early to go markets to search for the eggs but to no avail. It is not easy to find eggs now. This made him kinda worried. This goes to show how much he loves my grandma.

Guess he will never be tired of loving my grandma. He has to carry her onto the wheelchair and onto the bed.. so many times a day. He has to bathe my grandma everyday, bring her into and out of the washroom, and wait really patiently for her to finish her business. I guess this is what people deem as true love. Whenever anything happens to my grandma, my grandpa will be the first to be so flustered. He will alweez be there for her. =]

Prelims is coming. Mug mug mug. this is the only thing we can do now. Jsut have to strive harder and work like mad for another 2 months plus.. and everything will come to an end! Four yrs of sec life.. will end after Os. I hope mine will end with a beautiful full stop. =) ganbatte!

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

11:55 AM

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2 Comments:

your grandpa's very sweet.

By feL, at 6:07 PM

love isn't a flock of doves being released into the sky or a burst of beautiful music rising into the heavens, but a hug when you're down, going to ridiculous lengths to make you happy and doing everything under the sun for you.

really glad your grandparents have that kind of love between them. hey, if you need to buy eggs, i help find? wo men yi qi jia you!

By zx, at 8:43 PM

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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

siGh. These few days took back common test results. well.. did very badly for some subjects, esp for Ss and Physics. For English, I merely passed. =X hmm.. cried a lot these few days. First for Ss, den Physics. I have been trying to purge my tears from cascading out of my eyes but to no avail. I will inevitably come to think about how stupid, how brainless and how nonsensical i am. My cheeks went wet for two consecutive days. I was really shocked that i failed Ss, coz i thought i will do quite okie. Well, everyting's over and i really want to thank Fel, Crys, Paul, Lulu and some other people who literally cheered me up. Thanz for all your support and encouragement. I really love all of ya! hahz.. [pig pig. u must be thinking why i din mention you.. rite? hahaz. ]
hmm.. of coz.. the first person who made me laugh like hell after i cried was Teo Tong Loong. hahz. my pig pig. hmm.. must say that his stupid face has really evoked laughter out of me. =P jk pig. Thanz a lot. You have to put up with my moody face and wad not, and i guess it is really torturous to you. Sorry. Guess we will just have to work even harder. Thanz for making me laugh.. [Hercules have long hair.. den he has the strength] hahz. okie.. i shall believe you. I will get smarter if i have long hair. So i shall keep long hair! =)

-Hugs to everyone!-

hmm... Was walking home just now. Den it began to sleet. I did not bother to take out an umbrella, coz i felt that it was of no use. I need to have a 'from head to toes wash'. I need the rain to wake me up. As i strolled, the cold wind blew against me. The rain drops hit me again and again. just wanted the cold to ice my heart coz i really felt numb. I felt so useless. Why are some ppl so smart, smart til they need not study but stil they do pretty well or VERY well. Guess i am really pressurized by paul. He is a smart dude sia. okie.. maybe i am Kiasu la.. but i tink that ought to be the way when it comes to study. I cannot depend on luck, not like some ppl. If i dun study... i will fail.

okie.. anyway.. I told me mom bout my results, not verbally but thru emailing her. Wad can i say after receiving her reply?!? She is definitely and will alweez be the greatest ever mom on earth. She encouraged me and allowed me to find my way out of the valley of sorrow. Here is a quote dat i picked from the mail she sent to me..

[Please don't deprive yourself, in my eyes, you are a bright & pretty girl with bright future. I always think highly of you so don't call yourself stupid again.]

[So don't cry baby, just work hard for the GCE O but before you study, please have a good rest. Please talk to me whenever you feel like it.]

hmm.. felt so warm after reading her reply. Felt like crying again. So touched. Really love my mom. She has been my pillar of strength all these yrs. Without her, I wont be able to venture far. haz. And she added.. that i have a good looking boyfriend who showers me a lot of love. hahaz.. [happy la you pig.. hahaz]

hmm.. sorry ppl.. if i made u all worry bout me.... esp A4 and pig pig. Sorry for being so moody today coz i din really feel like toking much. I felt so useless and horrible but now.. i am feeling much more better.

I will pick up myself again. I will work hard at my weak subjects. I will continue to brave the storm and conquer all my foes. I will not die so easily. Thanz ppl! yOU rock me life!

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

5:08 PM

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6 Comments:

Success is not measured by how perfect u are.. but by how high you bounce when u fall.( totally original :DDD) take care :)

By Anonymous, at 5:58 PM

=] jiayou! take care! i love ur mother. -.-

By Seow Ting, at 6:31 PM

[.hamCee.] hahax sO muSt liSten tO ur mama de hua.dOn lOok dOwn on urslf!paul ashO lOok veh veh veh hard de.sO this time get sO scary the results he realli deserve.cOmpare urslf with urslf!u wOrked hard and u nOe *thumB* ya i lOve ur mama tOo =x sO niCe T.T

By Anonymous, at 8:51 PM

*hugs* wo men yi qi jia you!!! (and i don't mean to insult, but the dude with the long hair and huge strength was Samson. Delilah, the woman he loved, cut off his hair and he lost his strength.) i didn't do that well either...besides...the lower you fall, the higher you can rise.

By zx, at 9:54 PM

to my dearestest fat pig,

Lives are for living I live for you
Dreams are for dreaming I dream for you
Hearts are for beating mine beats for you

...ill always be there for u...hope i can make u smile whenever u r sad...

Angels are for keeping. Can I keep you?

love~+up!d pig~

By Anonymous, at 10:24 PM

I almost tears while reading your message. Please dun torture yourself as it really break my heart. My dear girl, be kind to yourself and dun push too much. I knew you will make it to NJC. My six-sense is always right. God bless U! Lov, mum

By Anonymous, at 4:50 PM

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Sunday, August 22, 2004

from the day i step into this world, i have never been very happy. i admire children like me who can get along well with their father. i admire them, coz they can joke with their father, laugh with their father, embrace their father, chat with their father.....

I have never tried that before in my life. So what if i am fat, ugly and not as smart as my younger brother... So what if am not 'POLITE' enough...? [I dun tink i am impolite... pls..] yeah.. i am fat.. but so is my younger bro. But why does my father discriminate me so much? Have I ever done anything so wrong that cause that to happen? I am sure i never had. I am born with it man. ya. I am the eldest SISTER. just becoz i am the ELDEST and is a GIRL.. he hates me for who i am. Sometimes i wish i never grow up .. sometimes i wish i can be the youngest. I am already trying my best to behave as good as possible. but at the end of the day, i still get the same treatment. My two younger siblings, though they are extremely naughty, extremely horrible, extremely ill-mannered [my sister is really ill-mannered to him], he still treats them as if they are in heaven. okie. so i am the slave. yah.. slaves are treated differently. They do all the work and get scolded for meagre mistake they make. They cant pine, they cant cry and they cant make a single noise.

He says i am a lazy girl... He says that nobody will want me.. He says i am hopeless.. He says i am nothing. No matter how well i do in exams... dOES HE EVEN CARE?! the only person who truly encourages me in this family is my mom, my one and only one. [Is he my father? sometimes i tink i am picked up from the rubbish bin]

He himself is lazy too. He reaches home earlier den me.. and sits in the living room from evening til night... watching tv programmes.. relaxing life. He does not even care to move an inch to get something. He does not even want to buy his OWN stuffs. He does not even want to be bothered with housechores. Do u tink he is hardworking?! He takes leaves wheneva he feels like it. He rests the most... and i am the most worn out one.. and yet i am forced to help him do things. woah.. so i am really a slave.

If u feel that i am wrong in saying all these things.. jsut tell me straight in the face. I am really buffeted by him. He is so unkind, so crude and so uncaring to me. Am i not his daughter?

Smiles fade when i reach home.
It seems that an evolutionary change takes place.
I can laugh, smile and be cheerful in school.
At home, i feel like i am struggling to survive.
I am no longer myself.
I yearn for the day when i can interact well with him.
But.. it seems so far....

-sad joan, almost burst into tears-

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

11:12 AM

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8 Comments:

hey,cheer up.. it's onli two more years till you're 18.. when u can do anything you wan.. :)

By Je, at 2:10 PM

hmm.. nothin much to sae, my parents do quarrel a lot nowadays too.. as children we tend to feel realli hurt n sad. o well, this is life isnt it?! muz learn to overcome obstacles n climb a step higher instead of giving up.. so all i can sae is.. jia you.try tokin to him more often. try to let him understand u . fathers r lyke that. itz not that they dun love u or wad, itz juz that they r fatherz..so they have to maintain their authority ya.. most fathers dun mean wad they say, deep in their hearts, they love us but they juz dun wana sae it. which parents dont love their kids? i belive all of them do. do u ?

By Anonymous, at 6:54 PM

cry if you want, but after that, pick yourself up and get over it. many of the times i feel that my family hates me. i have 4 siblings. i almost dont get any attention at all. but at least you still have your mom. you and her are like friends, sisters.

i don't.

at least when you have problems outside, you can talk to your mom. you have her. anything happens, you have her. i dont. i can have the most terrible day in school, going home feeling worst.

you're already luckier than many other people. my parents give me the support thru' materialism, not spiritual. but guess we both are luckier than orphans.

cry if you must. then pick yourself up. and prove it to him.

By feL, at 7:02 PM

Always look on the bright side of life...
u hav a really good mom whom u can treat like a sis..
so wat if ur dad dont really care..
so wat if he's pian xin?

as long as u dont let that affect u,
u wont really feel sad..

u r a really nice girl and dont deserve dis kind of treatment...

strive to do ur best..
if u doesnt understand u, there's dont need to worry about it too much..

u will always hav ur mom and friends by ur side..

always look on the bright side of life..
stay cheerful k?

By Anonymous, at 8:48 PM

your father, as your father, will always love you because you are his one and only daughter. he may not show it because most men are not good at showing their feelings. although he may say you are "hopeless" etc, i'm sure he means otherwise. maybe he just doesn't know how to express what he wants to say to you? you should try to talk to him if you really feel this way about how he is treating you. don't keep quiet and let time solve this. you have to take the initiative and talk to him! *shaR

By Anonymous, at 10:42 PM

it was very bad of him to say that. very very bad for a parent to say that of his child. but who cares what people say.. as long as you are happy with who you are, dont be bothered. and i'm super positive that you are NOT lazy. you're one of the most hardworking people i've known. and you'll be someone great. not nobody. trust me. you'll be someday. =) take care okie? *hugs

By Anonymous, at 10:57 PM

the top note is from YAYUN. forgot to say. XD

By Anonymous, at 10:58 PM

this is pretty late but you're not terrible. all humans are flawed. shar is right. he does love you - but he doesn't know how to express it. you are not ugly and you are smart. we all have our own merits and faults. nobody is perfect, and this imperfection, as shar said, is what makes us perfect the way we are. *hugs* jia you! and your pig pig loves you right??? ^^

By zx, at 4:44 PM

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Saturday, August 14, 2004

79 days left to O levels. the big big donut is coming soon. well... I am kinda scared. I am already getting the jitters now. I am afraid that I wont do well in prelims and Os. I am afraid that i wont be able to get into my dream JC. I am afraid i wont be able to get into LEP, coz i really like German. I am afraid i wont be well prepared enuf to take the exams....

ha.. so many fears... guess i will have to conquer all of them by myself, coz only I myself can help myself now. I can make myself fall and at the same time, make myself soar. It all depends on how i treat the challenges that i will face soon.

ytd went to NJC for the LEP[language elective programme]. well...It is a really nice collage with a really conducive environment for students to study and revise work. It does not seem as dead as wad i have heard people saying. I am not like SOME peoPle who are ONLY interested in sports.. [fel.. yOu should get what i mean rite? hahaz. ;)] After visiting NJC, i really have the burning fire in me to work really hard, in order to get into this school with high prestige. I would really want to continue with my german, coz it is one of my fav. subjects.

sighz. chatted quite a lot with the JC1s ytd... one of them suddenly asked me whether i am looking forward to JC life or not... I was stumbled upon this simple yet intriguing qn. I did not know how to ans. I just smiled back and shrugged my shoulders. Wei ting.. on the other hand, claimed otherwise. hahaZ. that cow... hahaz. Guess i will miss Nan Hua a lot.. [the teachers and frenz] I suddenly felt a horrible sinking in the pit of my stomach. I really dont wanne be separated with all my good frenz and step into another stage of life where only strangers reign.

reflectiOns after the visit:
1. I am goin to work doubly hard now.
2. I am goin to spend more time with frenz and to have more fond memories.
=)

had o levels english oral ytd.. tink i kinda screwed it up. hahz. was quite nervous i tink. I hoPe i wont get too low a grade... =X
_huGs to mysElf_

arH... everybody... must jia yOu k?! we are left with nOt much time oredi! it is time to work hard and give it all! Everyone must try ur best and conquer ur woes and persevere til the end of Os k? We shall all do well in the Os! *cheers!*

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

11:59 AM

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3 Comments:

u can do it...believe in yrself...
GAMBADE!~love,+up!d pig~

By Anonymous, at 12:24 PM

i know you can do it. with determination, anything's posssibleeee. =] and you have that determination. you'll be a top njc student.. *imagines yup i'm sure you can. ;) okie lah i'll stop here. dun flatter so much lerh. haha. XD -yayun

By Anonymous, at 5:07 PM

jia you ba. i've been trying to work hard the past weekend. i dunnoe how good it has done me. ah, whatever.

yes, i know what you mean. for once, A3 hates this person but A1 doesn't. if you get what i mean yeah.

all the best gurL. we might be splitted in the end because i might end up in NYP. but no matter what... A4 exists.

By feL, at 10:13 PM

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Monday, August 09, 2004

wooo!!! hhahaz.. had a great time at Esplanade yesterday! wEnt tO watch the fireworks ytd. dAmn nice lor. hahaZ. We went oUt at abOut 5 and reached esplanade at about 6. den we walked a bit first, buying some snacks b4 settling down alOng the SigapoRE river [oPPosite the MerliOn]. wOah. it was like.. so many peOPle thronGing the place le lor. hahaZ.. yaH.. den foUnd oUt that Fel and jOey they all were at SunteC watChing 5566... -_- hahahz.. [jk]den fel's father boOked two roOms at Oriental hOtel. hahaz.. actually my mOm oso wanted to bOok room at Pan Pancific hOtel but to no avail. siGhz.

so.. we waited from 6:30 pm tO 8:30 pm. peOple behInd us were puShing us lOr. hahz.[plS loR... the firewOrks.. will be in the SKY lor.. not in the WATER! hahaz.. no point pushing the people in front and trying to stand riGht at the frOnt to get the best view rigHt?]
so... frOM 6:30 to 8:00.. we were sitting on the ground... eating some snacks to fiLL ouR stoMAchs. heh...bOught broWnie frOm 'mRs fields'. woaH. damn sweet sia. hahZ. den... my mOm's fren came with her laO goNg and bOught us fish burger meal. hhaahz.. =) [thanz!] wah.. den at bout 8:00pm, everyone suddenly stood up [for nO reason]. thInking that the fireworks was goin to start any min, we stood up too. hahaZ. woAH. at 8:30 sharp.. the fireworKs started! wahhaahahZ. damn NICE!!!! hahaz.. i was squealing like a pig as usual. hahz.. well... my mom was screaming and jumping. hahaz. The fireworks... really damn nice. simply splendid. simply breath-taking. simply marvelous. simply creative. simply gorgeous. hahaz. SO nicE Lor! hahaz.. thOugh it oNli lasted fOr bout 5 miNs... i tink it is wORth it ba. hahaz. so damn nice.!!!! hahaz. the last one was rainbow coloured... i liked that one the best! hahaz.

soOn after everything ended, the croWd started moving. hahaz.. woah. the buS stop was like packed with lots of people. saw already almOst fainted. really made my head spin sia. hahaz. den my mom decided to walk to the previous bus stop.. coz the bus stop outside Esplanade was really too crowded. so.. we walked and walked. finally reached the bus stop and to ouR surprise, the bus stop was bounded by some stupid metal thingy. [dunnoe wad is that call.. but it basically prevents ppl from boarding the bus]..... den the traffic police told us to walk back to the esplanade bus stop. -__- [ was kinda pissed by that.. but.. haa. the fireworKs really made me too happy to be angry]

yah.. on the way hOme.. i found out that pig could see the firewoRks from his hOuse too.. -______---- hahaz.. [not fair! hahaz. JK]

anyway.. happy bUrfday Singapore! hahahaz.. [my mOm is as 'yoUng' as Singapore. haahz.. ] okie.. dats all. hahz.

p.S: hey pig. hmm... sorry la.. hahaz. But i really din forget bout u when i was admiring the fireworks k? hehz.

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

4:58 PM

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4 Comments:

so many ppl go watch firework ar?
mayb u should hav gone last week..
last week dont hav so many ppl( i tink so)
hav fun durin the long weekend..

By Anonymous, at 5:32 PM

Hehz, gao3 xiao4 wan, ask pplz to read and leave comments, :D, nevertheless seems like you had a far more enjoyable day than I did! Lolxz, only saw fireworks twice, lucky you. Deepest sympathy for your grandmother, like wad zixian said, perhaps euthanasia's the best option but still it's controversial, meanwhile hope ya can cont' to give your grandmother all your support and shower her with love ba. =)

By Anonymous, at 5:53 PM

haha... yups the fireworks... whoohoo!!!!
was kidding la piggy... love u~~!!!
~+up!d pig~

By Anonymous, at 7:32 PM

LOLs. JJ ROCKS!!!

[i know this is out of point yah but HE ROCKS BIG TIME!!]

By feL, at 10:15 PM

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Sunday, August 08, 2004

hmm... Just finished reading some cHinese, so decided to bLog foR a whIle. hehZ.

i shall give a brief summary of waD i did yTd[sAt]
weLL, in the mOrning, i went back tO sch fOr orAl practiCe wiTh oNGymOn with an airy moOd. wOah. fiRst time the schOol was almOst void of peOple. hahaZ. reaLLy miss thE sAts wheN the atmosphere wAs hIgh, when many peOple went bacK to scHOol foR ccA and waD nOt. siGhz. suddenLy feLt very empty. hmm.. i was the secOnd 'candidate' fOr the orAl thiNGy. haahZ. Miss Ong gave me 30/40. okie la.. i tinK. nOt toO bad. she sAid that i read too fast for the passage and fOr tat, i was penalised.. hahaZ. [okIe. better take note. DUN READ TOO FAST FOR THE PASSAGE. TAKE YOUR TIME!] hahaZ. hmMm. after tat went to staff roOm to help onGymOn tidy up her taBle. hahaZ. the mOment i saw her table, I was stupefied. hahaZ. her tabLe... is just like the aftermath of a landslide. simPly horribLe! hahZ. reminded me Of a dOc i used to visit. hahaZ.. but greAt jOan manage tO help her tidy uP her taBLe bY stacking up the worksheets neatly class by class. hehZ. nOw.. iT is definitely muCh more better. =P well.. i reaLLy sympathise with her. She has tonNes of work to dO and heapS of workSheets tO marK. hahZ. oMg lor.

okiE. afTEr an hOur of laborious chOre, i ruShed to my piAno teacher's hOuse for pianO lesson. hahaz. reached hEr houSe late. hehZ. she coMmented thaT i have impRoved a lOt in my plAying and she seemed to be pleased. so..that naturally boosted my morale in oNe way or anOther. =) i pRoMise i will give in all my best for my pianO grade8 exam! [left witH one week and twO days]

in the afternoOn, i went bacK to my grandma's hoUse. well... dat really kinDa changed my airy moOd to a lamenting one. siGhz. lOoking at my grandmother, i really feel the stinging pain in my heart. I feel so helpless when i see her in a really awful state.

-she lookEd lethargic-
-her skin darkens everytime i see her- [nOt a goOd siGn]
-her eyes were void of expressions-[guess she is weary of being buffeted by life]
-her head is balding-
-her stoMach is bulging likE an inflated ballOon[for a moMent i tot she has Kwarshiokor- a disease that is due to the lack of proteins, charaterised by swollen stomachs etc.]
I stOle a surreptitious glance at her. i never wanted to scrutinize at her for more than a minute. I feared that i will tear in front of her. every time i look at her faltering body, i will be awashed with sorrow. I guess she has long effete. her sufferings are beyOnd woRds. She has undergoNe so many majOr operations that lasted for hOurs. There was oNce i really teared in froNt of her. That was when she was lying on the hoSpital bed, waiting for the amputation of her the other leg. She lookeD really sombre, and i couLd feel that the inner her was yelling for help.
It wouLd be goOd for her if she leaves the worLd now. I am not being crude, but this is wad i tink is the best solution for her. Her illness is a prolonged one, and no doctors have a cure for her too. She just have to wait for death... [it really pains me. as i waved goodbye to her.. she returned a wave of her hand, that was so languid.... ]

[SuN]
hmm.. toDay gonnA go ouT with my mom and siblIngs to EsplaNAde. to see fiRewoRkS. hahaahZ. gonna have some fun i guess... =)

Joan

aLwAeS bEsIdE yOu

12:36 PM

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5 Comments:

hey gurL. sorrie i couldn't be there to help you pack as well. hahas.

jia you for your piano k [= hee must be happy that your teacher praised you right?! well, you deserve it! hee. all the best yah?

[[huggs]] birth, illness, sickness, death, ... these are all part of life. she's just going thru' it before we are. dun think too much k. it's of course natural to feel sad, but it shouldn't affect you TOO MUCH that you can hardly concentrate on anything else, k?

take care. hippo is always here for donglet.

By feL, at 1:25 PM

sorry to hear about your grandma. i guess that's why some people promote euthanasia (mercy killing) because they can't abide their family members or friends dying slowly and suffering. *hugs* all is fate. perhaps she'll be happier when she returns to God. jia you for your piano kz? or else i will go and slice you up and barbecue you...

By zx, at 1:28 PM

sighh. i feel so sad about your granny. be strong k.. good luck for you piano exams! don't think it'll be a prob since your piano teacher thinks you play excellently. =) and have fun with the fireworks tonite! god bless!
-yayun =D

By Anonymous, at 3:40 PM

just dropping by...

By Anonymous, at 5:34 PM

well.. at least u still hav yr grand ma, and tts gd. i didnt enven meet my grand ma cuz she died b4 i was born...

By Anonymous, at 11:53 AM

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